Should I talk about Faroese people? Like, should I encourage you to read this journal in Morgan Freeman’s voice as I tell you random facts? That would be educational for all of us, since it’s been scientifically proven that hearing facts in Morgan Freeman’s voice makes you 20% smarter. (Not really, but only because science hasn’t proven it yet. Come on, science!)
~Facts about Faroese people~ (Cue Freeman narration)
1. If you ask a Faroese person how their day went, they will describe it to you in minute detail. If a Faroese person asks you how your day was and you only say, “Not that good,” they’ll say, “Okay,” and then ask you four hours or more later why your day was bad, because they’ll have been waiting all that time for you to come forth with that information yourself.
2. Wearing sunglasses indoors in the US makes people think you’re a tool. Wearing sunglasses at all in the Faroe Islands makes people think you’re hungover. Why else would you be wearing shades when the word “sunlight” has long since become only a fond memory?
3. Faroese people are so mystical and magical, even Danish people don’t know that they exist, let alone that their country technically owns them.
4. Faroese teens have a “tradition” of taking screenshots of the embarrassing Snapchats you send them and then posting them on your Facebook wall on your birthday. That picture you took of you making a quadruple-chin that you sent to them with the timer set to two seconds? Oh yes, they screencapped it, and you’ll be seeing it again. And so will all your Facebook friends. Happy Birthday, sucker.
5. Faroese people eat three of what the average American would call a “light snack” a day. I have no idea how these people stay alive.
6. Faroese children are inherently hardcore. There’s a kindergarten near my house that has a playground built in tiers along the side of a hill next to a ravine filled with sharp rocks. Do you think there’s a fence providing a barrier between the five-year-olds and the sharp rocks? Oh, and what, have those kids grow up to be wimps? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
7. Faroese people don’t use umbrellas, because if they did, the wind would carry them away like Mary Poppins.
8. You may think you’re being ignored by your Faroese friends, but you’re not. They’re always watching. Listening.
…for you to find out what they were really thinking. This will usually be two months after the fact, and you will find out from their sister’s boyfriend’s cousin’s friend’s babysitter.
~These have been true facts about Faroese people~ (End Freeman narration. …Or don’t, I’m not judging. I like this voice too.)